


Hansens, Heeres, and More.

by mthevlamister



Series: SQUIP Squad™ [3]
Category: Be More Chill - Iconis/Tracz, Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Heere Hansen siblings, How Do I Tag, M/M, Multi, Part of two series, huh, um, whatever, woot, yaaayy, yay
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-24
Updated: 2017-10-11
Packaged: 2019-01-04 21:06:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 15
Words: 12,020
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12176592
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mthevlamister/pseuds/mthevlamister
Summary: I accidentally wrote 'SUddenly' instead of 'Suddenly' and I was like "SUddENLy He SAw EvAN"





	1. They're Meeting Heere

**Author's Note:**

> I accidentally wrote 'SUddenly' instead of 'Suddenly' and I was like "SUddENLy He SAw EvAN"

"I'm really nervous." Evan whispered in the van they were taking so everyone (minus Zoe, who was with Alana at home, and the Kleinmans) could fit. "I don't know if we can do this."

"I'm scared too, he's a very nice man but what if his kid hates me?" Heidi breathed out.

"Now we know where he gets it from." Connor whispered, getting kicked by Jared. "What?"

"Heidi you'll be fine." Cynthia rubbed Heidi's shoulder, smiling.

"I know, I know." Heidi whispered. "I'm a great mother, okay."

The nervous feeling didn't leave anyone in the car.

* * *

"Jer you okay?" Michael asked, leaning back on the couch.

"No." Jeremy said. "What if I'm not cool enough?"

"You're chill." A hissed, kissing Jeremy's head.

"Yeah!" Chloe said, smiling.

"You know what will cheer you up, Jeremy?" Christine asked.

"Rent?"

"Rent!"

* * *

"Okay Ev, ready?" Heidi asked. Hansens, Murphys, and Jared were outside of the Heere household, Evan was trembling. "Can we try to have an optimistic outlook?"

"Yeah." Evan took a deep breath before knocking on the door.

"IT'S OPEN!" Chloe's voice rang through the door. Evan put his hand on the door, opening it slowly. The whole group was welcomed with Michael dancing with Christine.

"Why do we love when she's mean?" Christine sang.

"And she can be so obscene!" Michael sang back.

Christine held out a hand to Jeremy. "My Maureen!" she sang, before turning towards Michael. "The tango. . . Maureen!"

"That'th my boyfriend, fucking killing it ath Mark!" Rich threw a hand in the air before laying eyes on Evan. "HOLY THIT IT'TH EVAN HANTHEN! FUCK!" Rich fell off the couch, grabbing Michael. "MICHAEL FREAK OUT WITH ME!"

Suddenly the room got quiet, everyone looking at Evan. Christine opened her mouth before screaming, Jake following, then Chloe, Brooke, Rich, Jeremy, and Jenna. Michael looked around. "Okay seriously guys? Why am I always the one left out, jesus now I have to--" Michael made small 'nyeeee' noises, trying to join the screaming group before giving up and sitting on the couch and looking at A. A shrugged, looking at the other two former SQUIPs.

"Kids! Noise!" Mr. Heere walked out. "Oh, hello Heidi."

"Hello!" Heidi smiled. 

"God they hate me." Evan grabbed Jared's arm. "They hate me already."

"Nonono!" Rich jumped over to Evan. "We're huge fanth, we never thought we'd meet you in perthon! Thith ith great! Oh god! Why are you here?!"

"This is Jeremy's new brother." Mr. Heere said, smiling.

Jeremy dropped his phone, which (by the way) was still playing the Rent soundtrack. "YOU DIDN'T TELL ME IT WAS EVAN HANSEN! SHIT SHIT SHIT MICHAEL HELP ME WITH MY ROOM!"

"Yeah, okay." Michael said, walking towards Jeremy. 

"Jeremy, calm down." Jenna said, her voice frantic. "You're making me panic!"

"DUDE I HAVE SO MANY HECKING POSTERS!" Jeremy screamed back, running to his room.

" 'So many hecking posters' is my new yearbook quote." Jake said. "You're. . . You're Evan Hansen!"

"We'renotthatgreatyouguysdon'tneedtofreakout!" Evan said quickly, holding up his hands.

"Wait for it. . ." Michael said, looking at Jeremy's room. 

"FREAKING OUT IS MY OKAY!"

"There it is." 

"Sorry if it's a mess Heidi, they all stayed over with Jeremy. I seemed to adopt more than Evan, I see." Mr. Heere said, looking at Connor and Jared.

"This is Connor." Cynthia said quickly.

"I'm Jared Kleinman--"

"The insanely cool Jared Kleinman--"

"Back off Murphy!" 

"Which one?" Evan asked.

"Boys!" Larry hissed.

"I'm Rich, Rich Goranthki." Rich held out a hand. "Pleathure. T-That's my boyfriend Jake and my other boyfriend Michael."

Jared grinned, shaking his hand. "I'm Jared, as said, are you all dating? Do you have a thing like us? I'm married to Evan who's married to Connor."

"Oh, we're all dating." Jake said, walking over. "It's a pleasure to meet you all, if you couldn't tell by the screaming and 'hecking posters' we're. . . well--"

"We listened to your speech about twenty times this morning alone!" Christine blurted out. "I watched it forty times before they all woke up!"

"CHRISTINE!" Brooke screeched. 

"Fine, it was the opposite!"

"CHRISTINE!"

"Did. . . Did I help you all that much?" Evan whispered. 

"Well, yeah! We're all really messed up, we all drugged ourselves to be cool--well, no, I was drugged. . . JEREMY!"

"JENNA PUT THEM IN THE POTION! I JUST GAVE HER ONE WHEN SHE ASKED IF THEY WERE DRUGS!" Jeremy screamed, running to the living room. "Michael come on, help!"

"I'm feeling lazy--"

"MICHAEL!"

"Ugh. . . I hate everything." Michael whined before going upstairs.

"Can you thtop thtealing my boyfriend for one goddamn thecond?!" Rich turned to Jeremy.

"No, he spilled his food on my floor he's cleaning it. Plus I didn't steal him last night when you, Jake, and Michael snuck out to go to Michael's car and--"

"Okay, that's enough." Mr. Heere said quickly. "I didn't invite any of you in, I'm sorry. Come on in, sorry about the mess again."

"Michael spilled all my nail polish, I'm blaming him." Chloe said, rolling her eyes.

There was stomping until Michael got to the room. "I. Said. Sorry."

"It's fine, you did a great job with my nails!" Jenna assured, taking Michael's hands. "Wonderful job!"

"You. . . You do nails? You think you can do mine?" Connor asked, blinking. "I, uh, actually have black nail polish in my pocket--"

"Hand, now." Michael held out his hand. "Gimme."

"Annnnnd Elder Tree made friends." Jared scoffed.

"Um, come sit down, let's talk!" Jeremy smiled. "I want to get to know my new older brother!"

"Well, let me tell you about me and then you'll tell me about you?" Evan asked, smiling.

"Of course!"


	2. So He Can Get High?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Connor finds out Michael is allowed to get high.

"Omigod, omigod you guys!" Christine sang, bursting open Jeremy's (and now Evan's) bedroom door. She was wearing bright colors, obviously happy to be awake and holding her phone. Connor and Jared groaned from the floor, having slept over to keep Evan company. "Looks like I just won the prize! If there was a perfect role this one qualifies! Ohmigod you guys!"

"Hi Christine--oh god you got the part?!" Jeremy's tired look was replaced with excitement. "Is that the cast list?!"

"You're looking at this years Elle Woods at our school! Legally Blonde the musical! Oh god, am I going to have to dye my hair blonde?! Well, anything for the theater! BUT OH MY GOD JEREMY! I-I want to make a weird noise! BLAAAGHHH! I made a weird noise!" Christine jumped over the three boys on the ground to get to Jeremy. 

"What part did I get?!"

"Well obviously you got Warner, no doubt about that Jeremy." Christine punched his shoulder. "Remember when you were a virgin?" 

"Christine!" Jeremy turned red.

"For play practice, why are you embarrassed? I remember you were sweating and you got all nervous and stumbled--"

"That's because I had a huge thing for you!"

"Yet you left me for a computer." Christine turned to glare at A, who wasn't there. "Speaking of. . . Ash? Blake? Clide? Where are they?"

"Turned them off, too many people." Jeremy mumbled, falling back on the pillow.

"Jeremy! You can't go back to sleep! We're celebrating! Michael is in charge of lights, so that'll be killer!" Christine pumped her fist. "WOOO! ARRRGHHH! BLEEEHHH!"

"Ha! BLOOOO!" Jeremy made a face while making the noise.

"PRING!"

"GREEEE!"

"That's it! Get your feelings out through noises!" Christine grinned.

"Wait, Michael is in charge of lights?! Shit I need to call him! I need to. . . To get stoned in his basement!" Jeremy pulled out his phone.

Connor squinted at Evan, waiting for a bit until, "Soooo, not telling him no smoking drugs? Just me?"

"Just you." Evan mumbled. 

"Jeremy you know how I feel about weed!" Christine said, crossing her arms. 

"Yeah, yeah I know, but it's important I'm there. It's not like I'm getting high, I never do! I just need to make sure he doesn't have sex and get pregnant thanks to Rich who, apparently, gets so excited he forgets protection and prep. I'll never be amazed by that short, short man." Jeremy started to scroll through his contacts. 

"Get pregnant?" Jared looked up.

"Well, you see, Michael used to believe he was a girl since he was born but then in sixth grade he told me 'I'm Michael' and it has been that way for the rest of our life. He's almost saved enough to get surgery, if he gets pregnant he won't get rid of the kid and he'll spend all his money." Jeremy put the phone to his ear, he was tapping his foot, waiting. "Heyyy Player One! Didja hear about the play? Yeah, a party?! Cool! Your place right--oh god is that Rich in the background? Tell him protection, please for the love of god--oh, well sorry! You guys have sex every other day! That's why I thought--don't bring in my habits, I will wreck you Michael!" 

Christine giggled, plopping down next to Connor. She turned to the three other boys, smiling. "Good morning!"

"Jeez you're cheery." Connor grumbled, laying back down. 

"Of course! I wake up and do stretches and tongue twisters!"

"I'm sorry, what's up with the weird noises?" Jared asked.

"I find it best if you can't find words to express yourself you just. . . express yourself with noises! Try it!"

"Uhhh--"

"THAT'S IT!" Christine started clapping. "More!"

"Gaarrrrge!"

"YES!"

"Gumooo." Evan whispered, making Christine smile more.

"It's. . . impossible to hate you." Connor breathed out. "Frung!"

"That's it Connor!"

"Yeah, I'll be over with my brothers and Christine." Jeremy replied to something Michael said. "Mmhm, okay." Jeremy hung up, looking at the three boys and single girl. "Want to see how losers party?"

* * *

"YOU CAN'T KEEP KILLING MY CHARACTER AND SAY IT'S AN ACCIDENT MICHAEL!" Jeremy turned to his best friend, causing Evan to jump from his spot on Connor's lap. Jared whispered sweet nothings into Evan's ear, grinning while looking at Michael blow out a ring of smoke. "MICHAEL ANSWER ME!"

"It's not an accident, I just enjoy watching you get frustrated." Michael said, leaning back. "You get all red and it's adorable."

"You belong to uth." Rich hissed, pulling out a piece of paper. "Legal contract, Jakey-D how'd you get an offithial legal contract?"

"Magic--" Jake was cut off.

"Kinky!" Jared grinned.

"Very, I legally belong to these two now. It's kind of weird, like anytime I don't do what they want they'll just pull out that contract." Michael stood up, stretching. "I mean, yeah it's weird but hey I have some rights. Watch, Jake I want a hug."

"Michael. . . Michael you don't need to use the contract--"

"Hug!"

Jake groaned but wrapped his arms around Michael, nuzzling his face in Michael's neck. "You're so warm, this is so worth it."

"Kinky." Jared repeated.

"You signed a contract?!" Jeremy slammed his controller on the ground. "Michael Mell!"

"Why am I the only girl?" Christine asked.

"Because Chloe, Brooke, and Jenna are at the mall." Jeremy said. "But Michael!"

"Let the boy be kinky." Connor hissed out, kissing Evan's head.

"Um, not this kinky to be actually OWNED BY HIS GOSH DARN BOYFRIENDS!"

"Thuck it, I own Michael Mell. He ith under my control, I am hith mathter!"

"Yep, my short little master." Michael teased, using Rich's head as an armrest.

"THTOP!"

"Ha!" Jeremy snorted.

"Thut it tall athth!" 

"No fighting please." Evan whispered, taking the controller. "My turn."

"Fiiiiine." Jake sat down, pulling Michael and Rich with him.

"Cool, Hansen-Heeres work together in this level!" Jeremy said, grabbing the other controller. 

"Y-Yeah!"

Hansen-Heere.

Evan liked the sound of that.

 


	3. Jeremy's Mom meets Jeremy's Mom

"You want the moon and the sky, then take it don't be shy!"

"Heyyy!"

"Baby that's why you and I,"

"You and I!"

"Should break up!"

"Hey baby I'll give you my hand, we--WHAT?!" Christine's voice cracked, Connor covered his mouth. They were watching Jeremy and Christine practice and dammit did Connor want to cry. "You're breaking up with me?! I thought you were proposing!"

"I did talk to my parents about that, Pooh-Bear, but. . . they expect a lot from me! I’m going to Harvard Law School and my brother’s at Yale Law-- so’s his new wife, and she’s a Vanderbilt for Chrissake." Jeremy said, throwing his hands in the air.

"Oh, so I’m not good enough for you? Warner, I’m from Malibu! I’m not exactly trailer-trash here! Richard Simmons is our neighbor!" Christine crossed her arms, actually tearing up. She let out a choked sob, holding up a hand. "One second, I-I'll get back in character soon! T-This is too much like our breakup--oh god, Jeremy why'd you leave me? Was there something wrong with me?!" 

"No! No, Christine I love you still! I just. . . I fell for a computer." Jeremy whispered, holding out his hands. "I promise, you're still my dream girl!"

"You promise?" Christine sniffed.

"If my SQUIPs die I will make sure I win you back." Jeremy promised.

"Okay, it won't take much. You're not a Jake Dillinger, you're a Jeremy Heere-Hansen--or is it Heere-Murphy?" Christine asked, wiping her eyes. Connor caved, grabbing tissues. It was true that no one could hate Christine, Connor knew this as he wiped Christine's eyes. "Thank you Connor."

"No problem Chrissy, just cheering up my favorite actress. You need anything else? Need me to beat my step-brother-in-law up?" Connor asked, smiling. 

"No, it's fine. Okay I'm back in character, Richard Simmons is our neighbor!"

"Elle, if I’m gonna be a senator when I’m thirty, I'm gonna need someone serious! Less of a Marilyn, more of a Jackie! Serious! Somebody classy and not too tacky!"

"WHAT?!" Christine screeched.

"Okay that came out wrong!"

Christine let out a fake sob, making it as fake as she could. Jared snorted, making Christine make it more dramatic.

"Baby let's both be strong, I mean we knew all along--"

"SHUT UP!" Christine wiped her eyes. "What does that mean, I’m not a Jackie? I’m not serious? But I’m seriously in love with you!"

"Baby my future's all planned, I've got some dreams to make true! I thought that you would understand. . . It's time to get serious, time to get serious. . . Check please?" Jeremy said.

"Notes?"

"Yeah! Um, don't think of me when I'm breaking up with you." Jeremy said softly. 

"I'll try, it's very painful. Add more sadness to the end, you broke my heart but you're still upset!" Christine said, making a fist. "Act it!"

"Ah, yeah. Um, let me just try singing that part again." Jeremy cleared his throat, when he sang again he had a dejected voice. "Baby my future's all planned, I've got some dreams to make true! I thought that you would understand. . . It's time to get serious, time to get serious. . . Check please?"

"That's it! Good job Jeremy!" Christine clapped.

"That was amazing, I want to kill you, but it was amazing." Connor clapped slowly.

"My brother is an amazing actor." Evan breathed out.

"Oh, um, I'm not--" Jeremy started.

"My brother is an amazing actor!" Evan said again, grinning. Jeremy hugged Evan, as if they've known each other for more than four days.

"So you're memorizing the lines before school even starts?" Jared asked.

"Yeah! I'm really dedicated to the theater, I get soooo depressed when it's over--but not suicidal! Just. . . My passion--"

"Christine your lies ended when your SQUIP made you talk." Jeremy hissed.

"Play practice is the only thing that keeps me going in life, it never changes truly. Different actors, different stages, different plays, but it's always the same warmth." Christine sighed out. "I love play rehearsal."

"I hate play rehearsal, or says the voice that comes from within--" Jeremy started before being cut off.

"HI GUYS WHAT'S UP TIME TO JUMP OUT A WINDOW!" Michael screeched, grabbing Jeremy. "TO MY HOUSE!"

"W-Why is Michael screaming?" Evan asked, his voice wavering.

"Oh my. . . Michael is my mom downstairs?!" Jeremy asked.

"She's all of our mother." Connor hissed.

"No! My mom! My mom who gave birth to me! She's here! She's here Michael!" Jeremy cheered. "I need to see her before she goes again!"

"Jeremy I promised to never let you see this woman again because of when she first left you were a mess--JER!" Michael tried to grab Jeremy as he ran downstairs. "Shit, he's going to lose it when she leaves again."

"Jeremy!" a woman's voice rang through the house.

"Okay, we need to come up with a plan." Jared said in a serious voice.

He was going to protect his step-brother-in-law.


	4. Jeremy's Mom

"MOM!"

"Jeremy!"

Jeremy jumped in his mother's arms, a lady whom he has not seen in years. His mother laughed, holding him tight, kissing his head.

"How are you?"

"I'm great! So much happened while you were gone! I'm one of the most popular people at school, I'm dating this guy named Ash, he's pretty cool." Jeremy said, bouncing from where he was standing. Jeremy's mother began to laugh again, stopping when she saw Heidi walk in the living room, grinning. "Jer, honey, care to introduce me?" Heidi asked, walking over and ruffling his hair. "Hi, I'm Heidi, I'm Jeremy's step-mom!"

"I'm Jeremy's mother." Jeremy's mother said, the smile on her face not hiding the venom in her tone. 

"Oh! It's a pleasure, let me get--"

"Heidi, honey, who is it--oh. . . Oh hello, if I may ask why are you here?" Mr. Heere asked, crossing her arms. Jeremy's mom gripped Jeremy tighter, running fingers through his hair.

"I'm taking Jeremy home, my home." Jeremy's mother hissed.

"No." Mr. Heere hissed. 

"Why not--"

"Jeremy!" Jared ran downstairs, slinging an arm around the taller boy. "Heeeeyyy, what's up man?"

"Oh, is this your boyfriend?" Jeremy's mother asked.

"I'm Jeremy's step-brother-in-law, I'm married to his step-brother's husband." Jared said with a smile. "I'm Jared Hansen-Heere, we were thinking of using the last name Murphy but Evan got too excited about having a new brother so we kept it at Hansen-Heere--why didn't we do Murphy-Heere?! God dammit Connor this is your fault, I'm going to murder you!" Jared turned to the stairs, glaring.

"Oh, well Jeremy pack your things."

"Woah, woah, woah! No!" Mr. Heere held a hand up. "No! I finally started being a father, I'm not losing my son now!"

"I heard about your little no pants thing, Jeremy was very upset about that one." Mrs. Heere, having never dropped the last name, let go of her son and took a step towards her ex-husband. "I heard you're letting him wear dresses and makeup, you can't let him do that!"

"Why not?!"

"He's a boy!"

Jeremy stiffened, he almost forgot his mom tried to make him be a boy. 

"My child is not a boy!" Mr. Heere took Jeremy's arm, leading him away from his mother. "Jeremy, you have every right to stay with your mother. I will support you no matter what, okay Jeremiah?"

"No Jeremy can't leave, I like him." Jared said quickly. "I actually like him! I wouldn't be ashamed of hanging with him in public, he's that amazing."

"Now that's character development." Connor stated, walking downstairs. "Kleinman hates hanging out with anyone who isn't him, took him awhile to be able to go on dates with me and Evan."

"So Jeremy, you can't leave." Jared gave a nervous smile.

"This is Jeremy's choice." Mr. Heere said softly, looking at his kid. "Kiddo?"

"Mom, I'm not a boy." Jeremy whispered.

"I know." Heidi whispered, smiling.

"You're not a girl, you can't just not!" Jeremy's mother hissed. 

"Mom, I'm not a boy." Jeremy repeated.

"I accept you for that." Heidi whispered, looking Jeremy in the eyes.

"You're my son, don't ruin this Jeremy!" his mother was glaring at Jeremy now, making the kid shiver.

"I want to stay here." Jeremy whispered. "With my step-mom and brothers, with my boyfriend, with my friends--"

"I knew I should've gotten the abortion." Jeremy's mother hissed, making eye contact with Mr. Heere before storming out.

"Oh my. . ." Jeremy covered his mouth before running upstairs, tears forming in his eyes. He ran into Michael's arms, sobbing, allowing the man whisper nice things. The fact his own mother didn't want him didn't help his anxiety and suicidal tendencies. "I-I should've just ended myself when I could've!"

"No, not at all Jer." Michael whispered, running his hands through Jeremy's hair. "I'm so happy you're alive, nice things about yourself now."

Evan watched with wide eyes as Jeremy struggled to speak. "I-I have n-n-nice eyes."

"You do."

"I-I-I-I'm tall and t-that's goo--MICHAEL THIS DOESN'T HELP!" 

"You're the cutest person, my favorite person, my player two. I couldn't live without my player two, are you kidding man? I'd be dead before you even knew it!" Michael said with a smile. "Need to watch Evan's video again? Need to watch the speech?"

"Mmhm." Jeremy mumbled, covering his face.

"It's okay, I watch it sometimes too." Evan whispered, smiling and opening his computer. He looked up the video of his speech online, turning the computer so Jeremy could see. They watched it together, Jeremy falling apart at the seams. Connor and Jared returned upstairs, sitting on the bed with the other three and watching the video over and over again. Heidi and Mr. Heere got upstairs with ice cream sundaes for everyone. Michael had to leave after a bit, and Jeremy was engulfed with the warmth of his loving family who wouldn't hesitate to defend him. Heidi gave him her favorite lipsticks, Connor gave him hair tips, Jared told him he was amazing, Evan said he'd protect Jeremy with everything he's got, and Mr. Heere said that no matter what they were family.

Family sticks together.


	5. Connor Gets To Know Michael, Jake, and Rich

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy Yom Kippur! I'm really hungry!!!  
> I'm already hungry, it's only 08:40 (when I started writing this) and I'm hungry.  
> I'm not allowed to drink water either, it sucks.  
> Now it's 13:00 and I'm still writing

"Since Jeremy is out with your husbands I guess you're stuck with me!" Michael chuckled, twirling his keys. He made that joke so many times, Connor was concerned Michael thought he thought Michael was annoying. 

"I'm excited, what are we doing?" Connor asked, getting in Michael's car with him.

"Well, I was thinking we stop at 7-11, grab snacks, head back to my place with my wonderful boyfriends, we watch movies or something." Michael shrugged, inserting his keys into the car, Bob Marley blasting at top volume. Michael almost didn't register it until Connor jumped, Michael chuckled before turning the volume down. "You're amazing Connor. Richard and Jake aren't as jumpy as I'd like, Jeremy's boyfriends don't let me actually look at him when he's being cute, so it's nice to see a cute jumpy person around here--or, maybe Heere."

Connor punched Michael's shoulder, grinning. "Shut up."

"Never! You're basically my brother now so it's time I really get to know you; spill, what's up with the two husbands, got any secrets you up for sharing? No need to, I may share mine though, be prepared for that. I have, like, no chill or filter. I'm that type of anxiety that makes you talk more than you want to, so I mess up a lot with the speaking and stuff." Michael hummed out, tapping his fingers in tune to the music. "I'm also a huge dork, I love so many nerdy things, it's unbelievable how much stuff I have at the moment."

"Oh, well I have suicidal tendencies and anger issues." Connor shrugged. 

"You take meds?"

"Mmhm."

"They work?"

"Yep."

"Good, that's good. Tell me more about you, Connor Hansen-Heere."

"Well my family is a mess, both my husbands and step-brother-in-law are fasting so I can't eat with them until sundown, and my sister may visit soon."

Michael lit up, smiling at the idea of sisters. "Tell me about her!"

"Zoe? Well she's a bit stuck up, but she's a good kid. We don't get along that well, I usually finish food or drinks she wants. She's popular, very pretty, and she is never nervous. I don't even think she has anxiety, I think she's perfect and she knows I think that." Connor answered. "Also, let's not get high."

"Don't worry, we won't."

"Cool, you're a pretty chill dude Mell."

"HA! You'd be the only to think that." Michael parked in the 7-11 parking lot. 

"Really?" Connor got out, walking in with Michael. 

"Yep, no one really thinks I'm cool. I'm sort of that outcast who pretends to be okay with it, but I hate it. I hate the way people look at me or talk about me, the way they laugh when I mess up. It really sucks, Connor, it sucks majorly." Michael said with a grin, walking to the slushie machine. "Ah yes, my one true love." 

"You like those? They're just sugar in liquid form."

"I know, it's great."

"Do they have ice cream? I would kill for some coffee ice cream right now." Connor turned to look for ice cream, finding it quickly with a huge smile. "My new fix."

"Dude that's gross, get good ice cream--we should make everything but the kitchen sink sundaes!" Michael ran to the candy, grabbing all the candy he could before running back to Connor. "We need twelve different kinds of ice cream, you pick five more and I'll find six!"

Connor chuckled before picking out five more, wondering how Michael could afford this much stuff, Michael was happily picking out his six, deciding whether or not to tell Jake to stop putting money in his credit card.

He always bought a lot of food when Jake did that.

* * *

"Oh my god what are you two doing?" Jake asked when he saw the endless bags of junk food. "Michael Mell I swear to god--"

"Jake we're making sundaes!" Michael said in a sweet voice.

"If Richie eats that he will die, he's already hyper! We do not need a sugar-high Richie!"

"I want that." Connor said, taking a sip of his soda. "I love seeing Evan get sugar-high, he stops stuttering and talks about maple syrup for some reason."

"Richard starts running around the house, it's pretty funny." Michael said with a chuckle. "Okay, time to make the best best sundae you will ever taste!"

"Did I hear thundaeth?!" Rich ran in the room, grinning.

"Oh sweet jesus, help me." Jake muttered before leaving the kitchen, hoping no one would die from a sugar rush.

* * *

"Michael?" Jeremy's voice rang through the Mell (well, it was more of a Mell-Goranski-Dillinger) household. It was now nine pm, Rich was passed out on the couch, Jake was studying math for senior year, Connor was letting Michael paint his nails. "Michael do you have food? It's past sundown--Jake are you studying?"

"Yes, I enjoy studying." Jake answered.

"Are. . . Are those glasses?!"

"Yes. I usually wear contacts."

"Woah, cool."

"Hi Jer." Michael looked up, smiling. "Hello Evan, Jared. You guys want food? Were you really at synagogue all day?" Michel stood up, walked to the kitchen, and pulled out a pizza he saved for Jeremy from the fridge. "How was prayers?"

"You know, worshipy." Jeremy shrugged. "I'm so hungry, I love you man."

"Not enough to continue to date me." Michael replied, throwing the box at him.

"Do I need to murder Jeremy?" Jake flipped a page, licking his thumb.

"How are you scary when being a total nerd?" Jeremy asked, sitting down. He made room for Evan and Jared, who began to eat the food quickly. 

"Dude you didn't drink any water at all today, get hydrated." Michael grabbed the three glasses of water, placing it with them. He sat back down, taking Connor's foot and began to paint again. "You would look amazing with rainbow."

"Do it. Make me the gayest of the gays, Mike." Connor grinned. 

"You got it Co-Co." Michael replied with a grin.

"They have pet names." Jared mumbled between bites. 

"Yet I only get Richard." Rich muttered, having woken up when Jake defended his glasses. "Why am I not Ri-Ri?"

"Would you want that?" Michael asked.

"Um, why the hell would I even conthider that name?"

"My point, Richard." Michael rolled his eyes, painting rainbow on Connor. 

"Why am I just Jake?" Jake asked.

"Jakey? Or would you prefer Dillinger?"

"I'd prefer Mell." Jake answered, it was almost as if it was completely natural. The realization sat in and the room grew tense, there was silence until Michael coughed. 

"I have to. . . Get more food." Michael said, leaving the room and going to his car.

"Jake did you just--" Jeremy started.

"Oh god what'd I do?!" Jake dropped the book. "Dude I'm usually so relaxed, what happened?! Did he say no?!"

"Look, there's a reason Michael didn't want to date after me. . ." Jeremy said softly.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter will be a background of Boyf Riends and why Michael is hesitant of marriage.


	6. We're Getting Married, Right? Yeah, Of Course! We're Getting Married! Actually. . .

"We should get married." 'Maria' at five years old said. 

"Why? Girls have cooties!" Jeremy crossed his arms.

"You're wearing my mommy's makeup, don't make me take it away!"

"Please don't! I'll marry you!"

"Good! I'll be the mommy, you'll be the daddy, we'll have five million babies!" 'Maria' hugged Jeremy.

"I'll marry you when we're nine, okay?" Jeremy hugged back, kissing the cheeks of his best friend.

"Okay!"

* * *

 

"Maria Mell I promise when we're older we will get married." Jeremy Heere, age nine, promised his best friend.

"You promise?" 'Maria' asked. "You promised when we were nine."

"I promise, we'll have a big wedding with my bar mitzvah money!" Jeremy promised, his eyes were sparkling. "We'll get married during my bar mitzvah!"

"That'll be amazing! I want to get married at your bar mitzvah! We'll be so amazing, there'll be a rabbi who'll 'you can now kiss the bride' and you'll kiss me and we'll be married! Married Jer! We can be married!"

"I'm so excited, I promise we'll be married."

"Good!"

* * *

"We're not actually getting married during my bar mitzvah." Jeremy answered Michael's question. "Maria, we--"

"Michael."

"Michael, we can't get married during my bar mitzvah. There's so much happening then!"

"It's fine, don't sweat it. I was kidding Jeremy, take a joke." Michael leaned back, grinning. "Dude we can't get married until at least college."

"I promise we'll get married before college." Jeremy said.

"Yeah, okay." Michael's grin faltered.

He wasn't surprised anymore.

* * *

"You're. . . We're breaking up?!"

"I'm sorry."

"Why are we breaking up?!"

"Listen--"

"What did I do Michael?!"

~~That's right bitches.~~

Michael stood in front of a crying Jeremy, freshman year. "You didn't do anything wrong, I just don't think we're working out."

"Why aren't we working out?!" Jeremy almost screamed, sobbing. 

"I don't know, it's just. . . We're not going to get married, face it. You keep promising, I know, I just. . ."

"What?!"

"You like Christine!"

"SO?!"

"JEREMY YOU NEED TO DO WHAT IS BEST FOR YOU! IN THIS CASE IT'S CHRISTINE!"

Jeremy sniffed, looking at his best friend and (now) ex. "It is?"

"Yes. I can't make you as happy as she could, Jeremy. You know this, every time you look at me you're looking at Christine, I know you are." Michael said, choking on his words. "Just. . . Make this easier for me."

"Okay, okay." Jeremy wiped his eyes before breaking down again. "I love you, you know."

"I know. . . I do, just not as much as you love Christine."

* * *

Michael had no idea where he was going, he did know he was drunk and driving. He also knew his lights were off, there were no streetlights, and that he didn't really care if anything happened to him. He took a swing of his beer, wondering if Jake meant what he said. Michael knew he and Jeremy weren't working, but if Jake kept saying no to a wedding he'd lose it.

Just like how he lost sight of where he was and drove his car off the road, into a ditch.

It was a miracle anyone even found him, let alone Connor Murphy.


	7. Connor Gets To Know Michael (Reprise)

"Okay, now move your legs."

"Ah, it hurts."

"Move them!"

"Okay!"

"They're not broken, that's good. Touch your hip, okay?"

Michael touched his hip, wincing. Connor's eyes flashed with worry, he took Michael's hand. No one can really say how the two become close friends, maybe it was when Jake took a nap and Rich passed out from the sugar, but Connor would die for Michael Mell at this point. "It hurts Connor, it hurts a lot."

"I know Mike, I know. Just. . . Touch your hip again, poke around, see if it's broken."

"Just bruised, Co-Co." Michael hissed out.

"Good, good. Okay, time to get up." Connor wrapped an arm around Michael, smiling. "Come on, I got you."

Michael stood up, when did he even get out of his car? He stumbled with Connor to Zoe's car, but they didn't make it far until Michael collapsed, puking out the five beers he drank. Connor groaned before kneeling down and rubbing Michael's back. Michael began to sob, he was a messy drunk and he knew it. Connor waited for him to finish, rubbing his back. Michael shook his head, grabbing Connor's arm. "He's gonna back out of the wedding, it always happens! No one wants to marry me, Jeremy had a thing for Christine, Jake and Richard will realize I'm. . . This! They'll find a different person, they'll learn not to love this."

"Hey. . . I like this." Connor replied.

Michael snorted, smiling at the longer haired boy.

"Anyway," Connor continued. "I see no reason for him to back out, you're a nice young man."

"I'm a selfish, attention-seeking, piece of shit."

"In fact, you're one of my best friends now."

"Co-Co--"

"One. Of. My. Best. Friends."

"Okay. . . I don't feel good, I feel like I'm going to puke again." Michael held his sides. "I'm so dead when I get back. Jake is going to be so pissed, he's going to act like I don't even exist because of how mad he'll be!"

Connor looked in the car, a tired Zoe was sitting at the wheel. Connor sighed, walking over to the car without Michael. "I'm going to get food in his stomach, so you head home or to Michael's, I texted you his address, right?"

"Yeah, I'll crash there for now." Zoe yawned, turning the key and leaving.

Connor went back to Michael, looking at the mess on the ground. "You must be hungry after puking up all that."

"I am." Michael mumbled, closing his eyes. "I'm very hungry."

"You. . . You remind me of Evan right now, know that?" Connor had a small smirk, wrapping an arm around Michael and helping him him. "Let's get you some food, want to go to a diner?"

"Yeah, I'd like that."

* * *

"Any sign of them?!" Jake asked, pacing.

"Oh! There's Zoe's car!" Evan said with a smile. 

"Of course your creepy, stalker ass remembers Zoe's car." Jared mumbled, watching Zoe walk out and walk to the door. She opened it, yawning again. "Where's Michael and Connor?"

"I don't know, Connor told me to come here. He said he was going to get food with Michael because he was puking, his car is totaled. I think he was drunk driving, I'm not really sure--"

"HE WATH WHAT?!" Rich screeched. "I alwayth tell him not to drink or get high when driving, I tell everyone thith! Why doethn't anyone lithten to me?!"

"Annnnd now I'm awake." Zoe groaned. "Nothing's broken, Michael was really upset though."

"Yeah, we just went over why. I kept promising marriage and then I got a thing for Christine, he broke up with me, I started dating Christine, and he thinks marriage means it's time to break up because there will be someone who takes away his fiance." Jeremy waved his hand as if it was natural. 

"That's fucked up, what the hell Jeremy?" 

"Soooooo is Michael okay?" Jake asked, tapping his finger on his leg. 

"Yeah, nothing broken as I said. I'm pretty sure he'll be better when he gets home, but don't murder him when he gets back. He's scared of coming back and you ignoring him." Zoe slumped on the couch, closing her eyes. "I'm so tired, I get woken up at eleven to find my brother's 'best friend' as he said."

"I should've looked for him." Jeremy groaned. "I wish I had a car."

"It's not that great, I have to drive Connor everywhere!"

"When will they get back?!" Rich asked.

"I don't know." Zoe shrugged. "They may stay out all night."

* * *

"You sober?"

"Mmhm."

"Good, now what do you remember?"

"I remember Jake saying he wanted my last name, getting in the car, drinking, then I saw you."

Michael took a sip of his coffee, recoiling as the liquid burned his tongue. Connor sighed, looking at the menu for something he wanted. "Yeah, that sums it up pretty well. You drove off the road because you didn't have your lights on, you ended up in a ditch."

"Ah." Michael said quietly. The waitress came over, taking their orders. "Just. . . Home fries."

"I want a scoop of pistachio ice cream please." Connor said, handing her the menu.

"Alright, I'll be right back." The waitress said before leaving.

"They're all worried, Mike." Connor drank some of his soda.  "Why'd you just back out?"

"Like I said, I never get the happy ending." Michael took another sip of his coffee. "There's no happy endings."

"So they say." Connor mumbled.

Michael grinned. "Not for me, anyway."

"You know Doctor Horrible?!"

"Yeah!"

"I do too!" Connor laughed, taking Michael's coffee. "I just want a sip, okay?"

"Go for it Co-Co." Michael leaned back, laughing.

Connor drank the coffee, keeping small talk about weird musicals. Their food came not too far after, they both ate quickly. It was as if they hadn't eaten in years, both shoving food into their mouth. Connor helped Michael back up, paying the bill, and the two walked back to Michael's house.

* * *

"Michael?!" Jeremy stood up when Michael got back. 

"Hey. . . I guess you're the only one awake?" Michael asked, Connor walking in after. "Co-Co helped me out."

"No, Jake and Rich are up. They woke up all our friends, even my SQUIPs are here Michael. We heard you crashed, you were driving drunk, what were you thinking?" Jeremy was in tears. "You're a mess, get in the shower."

". . . Stay in the room with me?" Michael asked quietly.

Jeremy sighed, nodding. "Let's get you clean."


	8. The Mell, Dillinger, and Goranski Drama

"You idiot."

"I'm sorry."

"Why would you drink?!"

"I'm sorry--"

"That's not an answer Michael!"

"Jakey-D, you're thcaring him."

"I'm so, so, so sorry."

"God dammit--everyone leave. Go downstairs or outside or home, just leave us alone for awhile!" Jake was yelling at his friends, there was so much fear and hate in his voice. Michael was scratching his arm, wearing his hoodie and boxers. He never wore clothes at night, they were all used to it by now. Jeremy opened his mouth but Jake lifted a fist and walked towards him. 

"Woah woah waoh!" Brooke put her hands up. "Jake don't hurt Jeremy."

"Jeremy better back the fuck up!" Jake shouted, still walking forward. 

"J-Jake!" Michael let out a small whimper. "Jake you're scaring me!"

Jake lowered his fist, taking a deep breathe. "Get. Out. Of. Here. Heere."

Jeremy made eye contact with Michael. "Michael? Want me to leave?"

"I-I'll be fine." Michael waved Jeremy off. Jeremy nodded, hugging Michael, and leaving. Evan and Jared followed Jeremy, then the four SQUIP girls and Zoe, then the actual SQUIPs, then Connor. Michael began to shake, looking at Jake and Rich. He backed up, covering his face with his hands; it was almost pitiful how scared he was of his boyfriends in the moment. He wished he told Jeremy to stay, he wanted Jeremy there with him. Jake's best friend was there, Rich's best friend was there (granted they were each other) but Michael's was gone, probably cuddling with his dates. "I'm sorry, I'm so sorry. Please don't hate me, I'm sorry, I was trying to forget the bad memories! I was trying to feel happy, like I was flying! I never crashed while driving drunk before, I forgot my lights this time, I'm sorry!"

"Hey," Rich smiled. "It'th okay, we're jutht worried about you."

"Yeah--"

"I'll do anything, just don't break up with me!" Michael continued. "I'll take the SQUIP again! I'll dye my hair, I'll starve myself until I'm thin, I'll become Maria again!"

And god, if that didn't scared Jake and Rich, Jake cleared his throat. "Excuse me?"

"I'll w-w-wear dresses and grow out my hair and become a girl!" Michael was in tears, he was terrified. 

It was Rich who broke. Rich had the most experience with changing yourself into a new person just to be with certain people, and he wasn't going to let Michael make the same mistake he did. "Thut up."

"H-Huh?" Michael wiped his eyes.

"I thaid thut up! I don't want Maria! I want Michael! I am dating Michael Mell, not hith goddamn fetuth verthion he hateth! You can never fucking become Maria Mell again, you hear me?! Fucking thtop pretending to be thomeone you're not! I love you for you, Jake loveth you for you, we want to marry the perthon you are! I can't believe you would try and be thomeone elthe jutht to date uth! Jethuth fucking chritht jutht let uth love you!"

"Richard--"

"NO! I WANT TO MARRY YOU! I DON'T WANT TO MARRY MARIA! FUCK MARIA! I WANT MY GODDAMN MICHAEL!" Rich was fuming.

"I. . . I'd like that." Michael said quietly. "I'd like to marry you, I just. . . I thought it meant our love life was over and I panicked. You two are perfect for each other and I. . . I'm just Michael. I thought you two realized you were better off without me--"

"Who keepth me from picking at my thcarth?"

"Me?"

"Who keeps me from overworking my muscles?"

"Me?"

"Who keepth uth grounded?"

"Me?"

"Who got us together?"

"Oh that's not true--" Michael cut himself off, looking at the faces of his boyfriends. "Wait. . . What?"

"I'd be with Chloe still." Jake admitted. "Richie and I started dating because of our mutual attraction to you."

"Yep, I wath really into you and Jake thaid he wath too, tho we thtarted dating with the plan to obtain your affecthion." Rich gave a small smile. "Thoooo, would you mind uth becoming Mellth?"

"Darn, I was hoping we'd all be Goranskis." Michael chuckled.

"I. . . I like that too." Jake shrugged, taking Michael's hand and kissing it. "Michael Goranski, Rich Goranski, and Jake Goranski."

"It rollth off the tongue."

"Yeah, let's be Goranskis."

"Okay, now more importantly: WHAT THE HELL WERE YOU THINKING?!" Jake yelled.

It was going to be a long night full of explanations.

 


	9. A Quick Scene For Zoe

Zoe Murphy woke up from her phone ringing, it was early in the morning. She grabbed her phone, picking up with a groan. "Hello?"

"I need your car."

"What the fuck Connor?" Zoe hissed out.

"My best friend is missing and I need your car!"

"Yeah, whatever. Pick you up where?"

"I'm texting you Michael's address, okay?"

"Whatever."

Zoe hung up, closing her eyes. It was too early for searching for someone, who was Connor's best friends now? She didn't know at all, but she'd find out she got there. Her phone began to buzz, indicating Connor texted her the address. She picked it up, sighing as she saw it, and walked downstairs to get to her car. She wrote a note to her parents, saying Connor needed her for something, and left. The ride to Michael's was nice and relaxing, she was listening to her favorite songs on a low volume. By the time she got to Michael's Connor looked like he was going to cry. Zoe sighed once more before driving with Connor.

Sometimes she thought the driving was all she was good for.


	10. Jared Bonds With Chloe, Brooke, Jenna, and Christine.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> My Personal Genderqueer Period Tips™ But For Cis Women Too™

"Oh my god that's you?!"

"I follow you--oh my god I asked you about your periods!"

"You're a boy?!"

"Ahhh!"

Jenna just finished showing Jared her favorite Tumblr blog. Jared snickered for about five minutes before telling her that was his blog, and yes it was a beauty and makeup blog; he was that amazing. Jenna freaked out, causing Brooke to admit she sent in an ask about how the blog owner handled their periods (which, by the way, Jared answered. He said long, hot showers and homemade meals.) Chloe flipped out, thinking Jared was a girl the whole time. Christine was unable to put her feelings in words, and she made a noise.

"Yep, I'm Beauty and Bathbombs on Tumblr, fight me. Did the shower help at all?" Jared asked, grinning like a madman.

"It cured all my homicidal rage." Brooke said with a smile. "I made snickerdoodle cookies too, I almost died from happiness! How do you know all of this?!"

"Want to hear a secret?" Jared whispered, allowing all the girls to crowd around him. "I didn't think Evan and I would be together, so I researched what women liked in hopes to get a girlfriend. I even asked my mom what she liked, pretending it was for a girlfriend I didn't actually have who was on her period. I had everything planned out, but now I'm married to the man my boyfriend is in love with."

"Awww!" Christine cooed. "That's sort of romantic! It's nice you run a blog, but you do know everything thinks you're a girl--"

"I know, I never deny it, but I never confirm it either. I don't want people to know what I do, it's embarrassing. Imagine if all my followers leave because it's a boy, like people would hate me and say I'm being a typical man. Plus, the dudes that follow me will say I'm not masturbation material anymore! I need those guy followers to think I'm masturbation material so I can keep their follower count!" Jared said quickly, grinning. "Plus, since I know some of the guys, they'll be able to blackmail me. This way I have blackmail for them, as I can tell their mothers at any moment, but they never know about me."

"Ohh, sneaky, I like you!" Chloe's voice was almost a purr, grabbing Jared's arm. "Now, tell me more about this cure for period cramps?"

"Well, ya see, showers are better than baths especially if you can sit in the shower. In the shower you can wash the blood out without having to worry about sitting in it, but you can still sit down. The hot water will be nice and soothing, you will feel happy and relaxed, there will be no bleeding while you're in the shower. The food should be from your childhood or a fond memory, something that smells nice too. Smell is very important in this case, it will also calm you down and be great. I think you all know this, you four are women, you know way more than I do about this."

"Yeah, we do, we just wanted to see if you'd act like you know more than us." Jenna said with a smile.

"Gals, women are like. . . Perfect! Have you met Evan's mother?! Have you met Connor's mother?! Have you met my mother?! Have you met you four?! Women are just wonderful!" Jared was smiling even more. "I was a little shit for awhile but when my cabin said we were stealing girls' bras I was like 'nope' and backed out. It was a killer camp and a killer bunk, but I was not stealing the girl cabin's bras. That's a dick move right there, I refused to do it."

"I'd do it, Jake would too. He feels the need to fit in, as do I." Chloe said, snickering.

"Don't we all?" Jared sighed out.

"That's it, we're marrying you." 

"I would love to marry you four but I'm afraid I'm taken."

"Committed too?" Brooke sighed out. "So sweet!"

"You're an insanely cool person, Jared." Christine claimed, bouncing in her seat.

"The insanely cool Jared Kleinman." Jared said softly. 

"I'm never not calling you that." Jenna punched his shoulder. "Okay, okay, but personally I eat take-out."

"I am noting that, what makes you feel best about take-out so I may know." Jared asked. He was honestly interested, he cared a lot about making sure women were more comfortable, even if he was married to a man. What if they decided to adopt a kid? What if the kid was a girl? What if that girl was cis or trans? If they were trans, Jared would have to find ways to distract them from their period! If cis, Jared would just find ways to make it easier. 

"Well, I don't have to move or cook. I also can just order delivery, which is nice because I can laze around." Jenna answered.

"I see, I will take notes and use them in the future." 

"I want froyo." Brooke said out of nowhere. "Let's go to Pinkberry."

"Want me to pay?" Jared asked.

"Nah, let's split it five ways. You're going to college, you don't have money!" Chloe teased, leading the four to the frozen yogurt store. 

"Okay fair enough, I'm so buying the peanut butter kind." Jared was smiling. 

"Ew, gross, strawberry for life." Jenna stuck out her tongue.

"Ummm, excuse you all, cotton candy." Christine chirped.

"Ew, you're like Murphy." 

"Leave your husband alone!"

"Never."

The five went to Pinkberry, discussing the food they wanted and what toppings.

Jared made a point to say Evan would call the toppings 'flavors'.


	11. Jared Bonds With Chloe and Brooke (Reprise)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Jared has favorites, just like Connor

"Okay, okay, so you're totally blind."

"I want my glasses back."

"No."

Jared was sitting with Chloe in her room, playing tic-tac-toe for the fiftieth times. Chloe took Jared's glasses, trying them on, laughing. "Haha, very funny Chloe. Now give me the damn glasses, I'm blind right now and I hate it."

"Huh, let me think about it. . . Nope!" Chloe readjusted his glasses. "I look good in your glasses and you know it."

"I can't see."

"You just know it."

"Fiiiiiinnneeee. Can I please have them back now? My head hurts!"

Chloe pouted slightly, but she placed them back on Jared's face. "Okay, now let's gossip! Tell me alllll about yourself, what were you like in high school?!"

"Uh, well the school was kind of big and filled with assholes. You're either bullied or a bully, I was a bully to avoid the assholes, but I had to bully someone I really cared about. It started with, like, the crush thing. When you like someone you bully them, it's that stupid rule, but I acted on it and made Evan's life a living hell. You should've seen me, I was terrible." Jared said, he trusted these girls with his life for some reason.

"Well I was a huge bitch. I bullied girls from my school, made my best friend's boyfriend cheat on her--I thought he was on board I didn't know he couldn't move his legs--and I spread a rumor from another girl about another friend setting a fire. I didn't know it was a suicide attempt at the time, Rich told us a couple months ago, I didn't know and I spread the rumor it was because he was insane. It was because Dustin Kropp told Jenna who told me and I told Brooke and we told the school." Chloe had to catch her breath. "So if you don't trust me after this, I get it."

"No, I trust you. You're really cool Chloe, I really enjoy hanging out with you. Let's stop playing tic-tac-toe, let's do something else."

"Want a manicure?" Chloe asked, taking out a clear polish.

"Yes. please make me have better nails than that husband of mine."

"So you're married to Connor, right? I thought it was you and Evan." Chloe took Jared's hand, filing the nail. "What's up with that?"

"Eh, Evan gets nervous on stages so Connor and I got married to save him from the attention. We made sure he was one hundred percent on board, Murphy and I have no real romance, we act like it and yeah he's hot but my heart belongs to Evan. His heart is Evan's too, we just have to not kill each other." Jared replied, smiling. "I see why Murphy likes this so much, it's relaxing."

"I'm giving you the real deal, Jared Kleinman, you will never get another manicure like this!"

"So about the gossip?"

"Oh god, Madeline was wearing the cutest bathing suit the other day!"

* * *

"So, Jared, do I look good?"

"If I wasn't married I'd ask you out now."

"Pfft! Ha! No!"

Brooke was twirling in a dressing room, wearing a sundress. The two were both deciding on Jared's new outfits for college, but Brooke saw the cutest dress in clearance and she just had to try it on. 

Jared agreed.

"I'm serious," Jared said, holding up a hand. "You are beautiful and I would totally date you if I wasn't taken."

"Oh my god, you're so embarrassing!" Brooke did a little whine whilst saying that, sitting next to him. "Okay, okay, so do I also get a sun hat?"

"Is that even a question?!" 

Brooke snorted, standing up and leaving the room. Jared waited, looking at his phone. He received a bunch of messages from his husbands, and one from Chloe.

**Evan_Handful: Rowan!!**

**Evan_Handful: Jeremy's dates are so nice!!**

**Evan_Handful: Jeremy went to the kitchen to get food and one of them is a freaking neeeerd.**

**Evan_Handful: they're insulting Ikea.**

**Evan_Handful: which is kinda weird but hey**

**The_Con_Man: dude, Michael is really really awesome.**

**The_Con_Man: he's buying so much food**

**The_Con_Man: again.**

**The_Con_Man: let's hope there's no drunk driving again, I will cry.**

**Valentine's_Day: Isn't Brooke amazing??? I'm glad you two are hanging today! You two come over for a party later, just the three of us and some movies! Partly because I want to, partly because I have so much food and I don't feel like chilling with the whole gang! Xoxo!**

Jared almost choked when Brooke came in with the most ridiculous hat, there were sequins everywhere and it was bright pink. Jared couldn't stop laughing, making Brooke grin. "Soooo, what do you think? Is it terrible or what?! A total fashion curse, I know! I just wanted to see your expression!"

"I can't breathe!" Jared wheezed. "Oh my god Brooke!"

"I, for one, hate this hat. I will put this hat away, I just needed you to see this!"

"Brooke, seriously, take it off!" 

Brooke grinned and took it off, putting it in a little bin for the workers to put back. She ran out to grab another hat, making Jared laugh more. Brooke came back with a much nicer hat, doing a little pose. "Soooo, how do I look?"

"Beautiful, Brooke. Now, Chloe is thinking of the three of us just hanging, eating, relaxing." Jared replied with a grin.

"Hmmm, okay! But first you need to try on this shirt, you'll look so cute!"

"Okay, okay."

* * *

"Okay, okay, shhhhhh."

"Oh my gosh!"

"Chloe? What's up?" 

Jake's voice flooded out of Chloe's phone and into the room, crashing into the wall, and moving back to the three. 

"Um, hey Jake!" Chloe snickered. "Is Michael still with Connor?"

"Oh my god you two don't do this!" Brooke hissed.

"He is, why?" Jake answered.

"Dude, Michael reminds him of Evan." Jared let out a laugh.

There was silence for awhile until they were hung up on, making the three roar with laughter, Jared actually fell on the floor, practically crying. Brooke kicked him lightly, trying to hold in her laughter. "Jake is going to kill your husband!"

"I know!"

"Oh my god, oh my god!" Chloe kept repeating, hugging herself. "Ahh!"

"Oh god someone call them to make sure no one dies." Brooke flailed her hands slightly.

They all shut up when Jared's phone dinged, he picked it up.

**The_Con_Man: You. Are. Dead.**

The laughter resumed, Jared forgetting that Connor always meant what he said.

 


	12. The Whole Gang Hangs Out (Or: I Have ADHD)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Original line: "It'th thimple, it'th becauthe Michael ith a FUCKING WHORE"
> 
> Also sorry for the random topic changes, I have ADHD and my mind is all over the place. Plus this is all just filler, so like. . . Does it matter?

"Okay, okay, wait." Jenna held up a hand, making Connor pause. "The emails were fake?"

"Yeah, we weren't friends." Connor replied, looking at Evan. "I think faking emails was the best thing that happened though."

"Gross." Michael mumbled, his head on Connor's lap.

"I-I'm pretty sure you two a-are acting m-more gross than we are?" Evan said with a laugh.

"I'm so close to losing it." Jake whispered. "Why is Michael more interested in you than me and Richie?!"

"It'th thimple, it'th becauthe Michael hateth uth." Rich answered, shrugging. "I uthed to be hith favorite, now it'th Connor."

"Um, I used to be his favorite." Jeremy corrected.

"It's because Connor gets me." Michael mumbled again, closing his eyes. "Connor understands what it's like to be a loser and not try to change himself! Christine gets that too, but she is also pretty and not me. Connor is very ugly, like me."

"Jeez, thanks Michael." Connor snorted.

"Liar!" Jeremy hissed, jumping up from his spot. "You took a fucking SQUIP you lying piece of shit!"

"Wait, Michael lied to us about not having a SQUIP?" C looked generally upset.

"Yes!" Jeremy threw his hands up. "You bitch ass liar, fight me."

"I will." Michael sat up and crawled to Jeremy, punching his shoulder before collapsing in Jeremy's lap. "You're so scrawny and bony."

"Yeah, yeah." 

"Wait! Wait! You could make this a musical!" Christine took Connor's computer from him, clearing her throat. "Dear Evan Hansen, we've been way too out of touch! Things have been crazy, and it sucks that we don't talk that much~ I've gotta tell you life without you has been rough, and I miss talking about life and other stuff! I love my parents but each day's another fight! If I stopped smoking pot then everything might be all right, I'll take your advice, try to be more nice, I'm turning around, just wait and see!"

Jared let out a small whistle, motioning for her to continue.

"Dear Connor Murphy, yes I also miss our talks! Stop doing drugs, just try to take deep breaths and go on walks! I'm sending pictures of the most amazing trees~ You'll be obsessed with all my forest expertise! Dude, I'm proud of you! Just keep pushing through, you're turning around! I can see!" Christine continued singing, jumping around with the computer. "All that it takes is a little reinvention, it's easy to change if you give it your attention, all you gotta do is just believe you can be who--that should be whom--you want to be, sincerely me!"

"My sister's hot." Brooke said softly.

"What the hell?!" Connor turned to her.

"Her bad." Jared put hands up, covering Brooke.

"I mean, it's true, Zoe is really hot." Chloe said, a smirk on her face. 

"Leave her alone, she's demiromantic." Connor grumbled, laying back. 

"I'm sorry, Michael took a SQUIP?" B asked.

"My blood is in the water." Michael said softly, burying his head in Jeremy's legs.

"You little thit, get over here and cuddle with me." Rich stuck out his tongue, refusing to put it back in until Michael groaned and got up, crawling to Rich. "Good boy."

"See, I think Richard actually has the daddy kink, not me." 

"Are we ignoring the Legally Blonde reference?" Christine huffed. "Has everyone been practicing?!"

"Yeah." The room chimed, all except the SQUIPs, Sincerely Three (the SQUIP Squad decided they'd call the three that), and Michael talking. 

"Too bad Dustin isn't here, he'd be able to help me practice." 

"He's not allowed in my house." Michael said softly. "He's weird and mean."

"You broke up with us for him, Mell." Jake moved closer. "Asshole."

"Shhhhhhh." Michael put a finger to Jake's lips. "Shhhhhhhhhhhhh!"

"Control your boyfriend." Jake said to Rich, who said and kissed Michael's face.

"Wait, wait. Michael doesn't have a daddy kink, let me clear up his kink--" Jeremy started.

"SHUT UP!" Michael sat up quickly, eyes wide. "Jeremiah don't you dare!"

"Why, don't want them to find out what turns you on?!"

"Jeremy I will fucking out you, you goddamn f--"

"STOP!"

No one really knew when it started, but Jeremy tackled Michael and the fight began quickly. They were clawing at each other, choking on laughter as they continued. It was almost comedic how well they knew each other, able to block each attack, but it wasn't funny when both started bleeding from scratches. 

Okay it was still funny, but no one would admit that.

It was a normal day for them all.


	13. Evan Bonds With Jeremy And His SQUIPs (Or: Jeremy Dies At The End)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks TheIcyMage for helping :3

"Wait, your name is Evan Handful?" Jeremy asked Evan, leaning over his older brother's shoulder. "Dude, are you okay?"

"No?" Evan replied, texting his mother who asked if they wanted snacks.

"Evan, come on, you're not a handful." Jeremy mumbled, leaning his chin on Evan's right shoulder. 

"Yes he is." B spoke up from its spot in the corner. "He's a handful of fun!"

"Huh?" Evan looked up.

"A handful of joy and greatness, a handful of perfection." B kept going. "I will protect my son from the dangers of the world, Evan is now my son. Evan I'm your new mother, you now have four mothers, enjoy it while I'm here." 

"Got it Blake." Evan put his phone down, smiling at the SQUIP. "Thank you."

"Oh jeez, you do have four mothers." Jeremy said softly, leaning back. Evan let out a small sigh of relief, having no one on him anymore. "That's hardcore, I only have three if you could B over here."

"Well hypothetically you have five now, your mom, our mom, B, Mrs. Murphy, Mrs. Kleinman." Evan said softly. "Since, you know, I'm married to those two weirdos?"

"Ugh, fiiiiiine! I have five moms--oh god, I have to hear 'ask your father' five times now." 

"The h-horror."

"Evan this isn't okay."

"I-I know Jeremy. So, um, anyway. . . What is Michael's kink? You didn't tell us last night, I'm kind of curious now." Evan moved backwards until his back was against the bed.

"Oh, well he actually has a fire play kink, he's not allowed to actually use it with Rich but he has it." Jeremy answered with a grin. "Michael refuses to tell Rich and Jake, I'm the only one who knows! You have to keep it a secret Evan, promise?"

"Y-Yeah, but what is that?"

"He likes to lightly burn his partner, not like actual flames, just the smallest touch. It would probably feel like wax, have you ever stuck your finger in melted wax? The slight burn you feel there, Michael likes to do that to other people but with a lighter or something and not wax. That's Michael Mell for you, he has to be the weirdest person in the world and have some kink no one knows about." Jeremy let out a laugh. "I'm so kinkshaming him."

"I-I kind of am too?" Evan shrugged, smiling.

"Good, because it's so worth it."

"S-So what's your kink?"

"Evan what the fuck? We're brothers." 

"I want to know."

Jeremy sighed. "I'mamasochist."

"I-I'm sorry, what?" Evan leaned forward.

"I'm a masochist! I like when my SQUIPs hurt me! Michael will call me a furry a lot, mostly because I was one before. I used to like tails and ears and shit, but now I'm sort of grossed out by them all."

"Y-You're all kinds of m-messed up. I-I'm a-ace as fuck."

"Yeah, yeah. Whatever, Evan, leave me alone."

"D-Don't worry, y-you're totally okay y-you furry."

"STOP!"

* * *

"Okay, so you-you're a holly tree. You're a-assertive and y-you jump into action." Evan told Jeremy, sitting outside with him. They were eating ice cream, the rest of the gang was grabbing their own ice cream as they spoke.

"Then. . . Evan you're a tea tree!" Jeremy told Evan, smiling. 

"H-Huh? W-Why?!"

"You manage to keep us calm during bad situations, you're amazing!" Jeremy said with a smile. "You'll have to call me when you're in college so I don't cry from the stress of high school, it scares me man."

"I-I'll be your tree tea." Evan promised his brother, smiling back.

"And I'm your holly tree!"

"C-Cool, you f-furry."

"I'm not a furry anymore!"

* * *

"S-So you're the sadist?" 

"No, if anything C is the sadist. I'm here to please my Jeremy, I may enjoy it but C gets ecstatic about hurting Jeremy." A told Evan, frowning. "C really likes hurting Jeremy actually, I need to talk to them about that."

"B-But you're all computers?" Evan asked, drawing a tree into the dirt.

"Yes we are--were--are? I can still access all data from the world but I am human and I have feelings, feelings I don't want." A said softly. "But Jeremy is worth these feelings, I am okay with being upset or sick for Jeremy. I am even willing to feel homicidal if that's what it takes for Jeremy to be happy, as long as I'm human he'll be happy and I'll be able to love him."

"T-That's k-kind of creepy b-but okay."

"I'm very creepy, I know."

"Y-You're a sadist."

"Exactly, Evan, exactly."

* * *

"What? I don't go overboard with shocking Jeremy." C said, putting a hand to its chest. "I do the amount Jeremy likes, A is just jealous I can please Jeremy more."

"I-I just asked if two shocks pens w-was extra."

"Oh, Evan sweetie, I'm extra." C said with a smile. "I'm very extra."

"Mm." Evan just made a small noise, unsure if it was safe to agree with the Ikea hating SQUIP.

"Ha, don't worry. I don't want to hurt you, Evan, you're safe."

"O-Oh, cool."

* * *

Everyone was in Jeremy's room, eating food when Jeremy said he was going to take a quick walk to a gas station. They were all enjoying some weird comedy Jake picked out, a couple were laughing at the bad jokes when all three SQUIPs all jolted in pain, A letting out a string of curses. A turned to the group, looking almost scared at whatever just happened. "Where's Jeremy again?"

"Uh, gas station to get us drinks." Michael answered.

"Yeah he just broke his fucking arm."

Michael went pale before bolting out of the house, praying Jeremy was okay. This left the rest of the group worrying over the boy who went out earlier, wondering what happened and how.

No one noticed how Evan, Connor, and Jared all looked at Evan's now healed arm, where the cast once sat.

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alternative way Jeremy was suppose to fall from tree, via TheIcyMage: SQUIPs deactivated and Jeremy wanted them back.  
> The reason why will be revealed next chapter.


	14. Jeremy Isn't Dead Yet

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy National Coming Out Day.  
> I'm ace.

"You idiot!"

"M-Michael it hurts!"

"You're an idiot!"

Michael kicked open the door, carrying Jeremy in his arms, their friends were frantic, watching their every move. Jeremy winced, tears in his eyes from pain and shame. "I'm so sorry! It hurts! Michael be gentle!"

"You're lucky I have a soft spot for you, let's see. . ." Michael placed him gently down on the couch, looking at his arm. "Broken, very broken. What were you thinking?! What kind of high schooler are you?! Kids do this Jeremy! Kids!"

"I have ADHD leave me alone Michael!" Jeremy choked out a sob.

"Okay, let's call your mom." Michael whispered. "You're such an idiot. Connor, can you call Heidi for me?"

"Yeah." Connor grabbed his phone, calling Evan's mother. "Hey, Heidi? Jeremy broke his arm, it's really bad--please hurry!"

"You can't tell anyone." Jeremy whispered, grabbing Michael with his good arm. 

"You fell from a tree, that's all they need to know." Michael whispered, smiling at his friends. "You weirdo and furry."

"I'm not a furry Michael!" Jeremy let out a sob whilst talking. "Fuck it hurts! It hurts a lot!"

"I know baby." A whispered. "Hurts a lot, shh."

"Hurts!"

"I know, come on sweetie, deep breaths." A kept whispering, taking Michael's place holding Jeremy. Michael shuffled backwards, allowing the SQUIPs to take his place. Jeremy was sobbing, pleading for the pain to go away. A promised they would get rid of the pain as soon as possible, A kissed all over Jeremy's face and promised to numb the pain. Jeremy nodded before closing his eyes and falling asleep. "I made his brain go fuzzy so he'd fall asleep faster, it's going to be better for him and for us while we wait for your mother."

"M-Makes sense." Evan hissed. "H-He didn't do it on purpose, r-right?"

"No, no way." Connor said. "No."

"Truffle, Jeremy wouldn't--"

"If he did this on purpose again I will murder him." Michael hissed. "He can't keep leaving me dammit!"

"He didn't!" Jake waved his hand.

"W-Why would I do this on purpose?!" Jeremy sobbed more, holding himself with his one arm. "It hurts so much!"

"Oh stop whining!" Michael rolled his eyes. 

Heid bursted in the house, eyes wide and a scared look on her face. She picked Jeremy up, whispering how worried she is and how they were going to be okay. Jeremy was crying still, allowing her to lead him out. Jake shifted, looking at Michael quickly, "Michael, how'd he--"

"It's a secret, Jakey."

"What?"

"Secret."

* * *

Jeremy was now with a cast, worrying about his part in the play. He assumed he would be fine, closing his eyes and hoping his friends cared.

They did, and they were waiting for the doctor to allow them in the room.

 


	15. Evan Connects To Jeremy (Reprise) Or: The End (For This Part)

"Bye Co-Co." Michael slapped Connor's arm, making the taller man grin. "You'll visit more than the college goers, right?"

"Of course, Mike." Connor promised. "I'll be down every weekend to visit you."

"Thanks."

"No problem buddy."

Jared did a little fist bump with Brooke and Chloe, grinning.

It was Jeremy and Evan who were the most upset about leaving each other.

"You're off to college?" Jeremy asked, his voice small. 

"Yep, d-don't worry! I-I signed your cast!" Evan replied. "E-Elder a-a-and Rowan t-too! Don't worry Holly!"

"I'm g-g-gonna miss you T-Tea Tree." Jeremy sniffed, hugging his brother. "Please visit a lot!"

"I will, promise." Evan said, hugging his brother. Jeremy hugged back with the one arm he had, smiling in the warmth of their sibling embrace. "Jeremy, come on, I-I have to go sooner or later!"

"No you don't, you can stay here with us for forever!" Jeremy was smiling, knowing Evan was leaving soon. Jeremy tightened his grip a bit, Evan allowing it and tightening his own. Evan actually teared up, sniffing and whispering compliments about their family. It was almost sickeningly sweet how close the two had gotten over the summer, especially in the chapters the author didn't post. They were practically best friends, willing to protect the other from the weight of the world.

"I want to stay here, I promise you that." Evan smiled, looking around. "I'll come back for your birthday, I'll bring you a huge cake!" 

"You didn't stutter!"

"I know!"

The boys laughed, hugging each other once more.

* * *

"Ev?! Evan you're breaking up!"

"I said what do you mean they broke up?!"

"They broke up!" Jeremy was on facetime with Evan, delivering him and his husbands the bad news. "Michael, Jake, and Rich broke up. Jake and Rich are totally bumming out, but I think Michael is fine. He's pretty happy on his own, but I have a feeling they're going to get back together."

"Do I need to murder them?" Connor asked, tapping away on his laptop. "I will protect Mike with my life, please tell me their location so I may murder them all. I need to protect my son, he is a wonderful, wonderful human." 

"Are you okay, Jer?" Evan asked.

"I'm good." Jared replied.

"Me too, I'm more worried about Jake and Rich, they're taking it hard." Jeremy admitted, his voice crackling over the video. "I'm going to visit Michael to ask him about this and why it happened later today."

"I'll see you next week, fall break!" Evan smiled. "Connor is almost done his first novel!"

"Yay! I'm proud of him!" Jeremy smiled, clapping. "I'm excited to see you three--oh, guess what!"

"What?"

"I'm going to a college nearby, not the same one, but nearby!"

"Oh, so m-my college isn't good enough for you." Evan joked.

"Yes, totally. My loser ass is too good for you, obviously!" Jeremy snorted. "Evan, I can't believe you're not swamped with people."

"I avoid them easily, I hide behind Jared, Connor stays in this house." 

"Mmhm, I have to go practice. Christine is apparently actually dying her hair blonde for this part!"

"Oh god, I'm excited!" 

"Love you, Tea Tree!"

"Love you too, Holly!"

The Hansen-Heeres were truly best friends.

 


End file.
